Great Sexpectations

Sex Therapy

October 1st, 2008 9 comments »

A very warm welcome from Carmen Sutra:

As your sex columnist, when I hear things in the news or read
about pertinent issues in magazines, I often relate them to
you. Likewise, if I conduct research that relates to an issue
in Great SEX, I fill you in on the details. Today I share two
such situations. I watched a DVD the other night about Sex
Therapy; specifically regarding a couple where one person
avoids sex. Sound familiar? Thought so. I read your letters
and know thousands of you are experiencing this. Part II
includes marrying Mr. “Right Now.”

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Today’s Topic: Sex Therapy

PART I: When couples are going through rough times, they are
sometimes advised to go to counseling. Sex Therapy is an often
overlooked therapy option. We’ve been discussing quite a bit
lately couples that have one partner who avoids sex and/or
rejects their partner’s advances. The research tape I viewed
revolved around a couple who had been together 5 1/2 years
and married 18 months of that time. As soon as the couple
found out they were pregnant, the man stopped having sex with
his wife. I’m sharing this for a couple reasons.

The therapist indicated that when a couple attends her sex
clinic, the first thing she does is have them complete a
physical. When people present with sexual issues and potent-
ially dysfunctions, it’s imperative to rule out medical
issues. *This is a critical note.* I must reiterate to all
my readers who are experiencing this to encourage your part-
ners to approach their doctors. As we’ve mentioned, lack of
desire can be a side effect of medication, a result of
stress, or other physical reasons. I know it can be embarr-
assing to talk to a doctor about private sexual concerns,
but imagine if the issue really is due to a physical ailment
and could be solved pretty easily. Your goal is to make
your relationship as healthy as possible, and this is the
first step.

And then there’s the psychological, which is the second reason
I’m bringing this to your attention. The husband in this case
did not attend the session, so we were relying only on the
wife’s viewpoint. She wasn’t making the connections, but the
fact that the husband immediately started sleeping on the
couch when she got pregnant sounds the alarm bells to me.
Up until that point, she indicates they had been having sex
daily. So, I’m guessing he has major issues with the preg-
nancy that need to be resolved. Further, he was no longer
working because of an injury at work. A man’s work is a big
part of his identity, so when this husband couldn’t work
for a year (he’s a bricklayer in his 20s), it’s plausible that
this was impacting their sexual relationship as well.

I mention this to stress that when someone retracts sexually,
it very well could be medical or tied to a psychological
issue that needs to be explored. I don’t know what ended up
happening with this couple because the wife only attended
one session, but we all know that sexual rejection takes a
toll on any relationship.

PART II: I was listening to the radio on the way to work the
other morning, and the hosts were talking to a woman in her
20s who is attending law school and married. All sounded
normal until she divulged that’s she’s married to Mr. “Right
Now” and that she considers her marriage temporary. It turns
out that her husband is in construction and is truly a lot
of fun, but she thinks she can do better. After graduating
law school, she plans to divorce him. In fact, her “divorce
plan” is in about 4-5 years.

She joked that her husband would make comments about her just
waiting to leave him, and in my opinion, she sounded callous.
Here at Great SEX we’ve talked about DATING Mr. Right Now,
but not marrying him. What’s the point? During her meantime,
she’s brought two whole families into the mix, not to mention
a man who deserves someone who will love him long-term for
him. I just kept wondering what was the point of actually
marrying him? Why go through the whole charade and be dis-
honest the whole time?

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What say you, my Great SEXers? Have you ever needed to con-
sult a doctor regarding sexual issues? How did you feel and
what was the result? Also, how do you feel about marrying
Mr. Right Now? I have no problem with people dating around,
but in my opinion, there is no reason to marry a person if
you know he/she isn’t right for you and vice versa. If you
respond to one of today’s topics, make sure to put something
related in the subject header. As always, I remain…

Devotedly yours,

Carmen Sutra
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